VLADIMIR POUTINE

Komrades,

My pigeon held hostage, so write to you in electronic form of mail from inside secret mountain top HQ kitchen. Am hiding in pantry, but not find pants in here. Am also thirsty, have not drink water for days. Vladimir Poutine is coming to power, now newspaper find hidden cello money in Panama he will not stop. Protest with no-shirt girl not working, like try stop cookie monster with cookie. What we thinking?

Vladimir Poutine will take over world. Once project “Komrade Gravy Bacon” unleashed, hot gravy will make fresh cheese curd meltdown on fry of potato like Chernobyl in Spring on tastebuds. People lose mind. Fry of potato taste like eye of tranquilised tiger, but much better. Even then, they still add bacon and parmesan on top. So good, me think they put in same gravy Sharapova use. 

It seem at least two other Russian agents have infiltrate fuelburger headquarters. One has taken over IT systems the other is soon to be CEO of universe. I not know which side they work for – new KGB, old mother Russia or the resistance. I fear for life.

This may be last message from me. Please, if you can find others for revolution, let them know. Ivan Drago, I will never forget you try unite Russia and rest of world. Red, glad you in charge of kitchen again, hope you get out of Litchfield soon. You may visit New Zealand and do some luge, but go straight to advance track don’t waste ticket on beginner course.